


We're All Doing This Now Right?

by pink_shoes



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Meta, POV Second Person, mermaid au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pink_shoes/pseuds/pink_shoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone needs to stop liking things and having fun. Nobody realizes this better than you, a beautiful but poorly-described mermaid who is dating Optimus Prime for reasons that are never explored.</p><p>Meta. Strong language. Robot dicks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're All Doing This Now Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Important context for internet historians of the distant future: http://ceryskitty.tumblr.com/post/148306066433/have-you-ever-read-something-so-goddamn-hilarious

Once upon a time you were a mermaid sitting on a rock because I guess that’s what mermaids do. You combed your long shiny [insert your hair color here] hair and sang with your angelic voice. You are waiting for your boyfriend, Optimus Prime, to come visit you. He is very busy fighting a war or something but he always makes time for you because you are madly in love. 

“[Insert your name], I am here!” announces Optimus Prime. He gathers you in his strong robot arms and kisses you on your tiny mermaid face. Or merman, as the case may be. As a member of a species that has a very weak grasp on how human sex and gender works, Optimus does not discriminate. 

“Oh, I’m so glad!” you say. “Let’s have sex.”

OP (I am not writing his full name out every time from now on, just deal with it) is totally down for this. But it quickly comes to a halt when you realize you need to figure out the mechanics of how this is going to work. 

“How do we do this?” you ask, embarrassed to admit you don’t actually know how this works because you usually scroll past the mermaid AU fanfics and you sure as hell aren't going to stop in the middle of your stupid pseudo-spitefic to do research.

“I’m not sure,” admits OP. 

“So do we have sparks in this AU or what?” you press. “Am I a robot mermaid, or just a regular mermaid?”

“I have no idea,” says OP. “The author didn’t do a very good job of describing us.”

“Open up your codpiece,” you suggest. “I don’t even know if this is sticky or pnp or what.”

OP takes his robot dick out—turns out this fic isn’t pnp after all. The thing is easily as large as your entire body, gleaming silver, and almost blinds you when the sun hits it. 

“We did not think this through all the way,” you say. 

Don’t get me wrong, you love your robot boyfriend, but there is really nothing sexy about a metal penis the size of a sandworm in your face. It’s honestly the most unerotic thing you’ve ever seen, barring an actual human penis (sorry, you’re also sort of a self-insert, and the author is a lesbian). Plus, you’re a mermaid. Where is he even going to put it?

OP seems to be coming to the same realization as you. “I don’t think this is going to work,” he says. 

“Okay, no problem, we can try another AU,” you say. “We can do a high school AU, maybe? And the two factions are…I dunno, rival schools?” But even as you say it, you don’t feel particularly enthused. You get enough of that shit in real life. If you’re going to be in a ridiculous self-insert in a fanfic, you want to do something exciting. “Or we can be like…” your brain casts around for something suitable. “Ogres?”

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard,” says OP, but he says it in a very loving way so you’re not pissed off at him.

“We say ‘fragging’ in this fandom, not ‘fucking’,” you remind him. “Oh! I’ve got it! Valkyrie AU! We’re all angelic battle-maidens who escort the honored dead from the battlefield to Valhalla!” 

“What the fu—sorry, the _frag_ , does that have to do with Transformers?” asks Optimus. 

“Well, that’s the thing about most AU’s,” you explain. “The only thing that even ties them to the fandom is the fact that the characters have the same names. I honestly don’t know what anyone gets out of it, but you can get plugins to stop them showing up if they piss you off that badly.”

“If you don’t like stupid AU’s,” said OP, his optics darkening with sudden suspicion, “why are we in one? You better not be a mouthpiece for the author! I hate that shit!”

“Whatever, you can’t judge. You’re wildly OOC,” you retort. “Anyway, the real reason I’m here is because I want to tell people to stop liking the things I don’t like. For example, I hate Skyfire/Starscream.”

“Your posting history begs to differ,” says OP, but you ignore him. 

“All you people!” you yell, turning to face the fourth wall. “You better not write any Skyfire/Starscream! Or else you are poop! Literal poop! I am warning you! This is not reverse psychology! This is not a clever ruse!” You begin to froth at the mouth in your rage, and fall off your rock into the sea. But you’re a mermaid, at least for the next few paragraphs, so it’s fine. 

“What about the spelling and grammar thing?” asks OP after you surface again. 

“Okay, yeah, that’s valid,” you say, “Personally, I hit the back button when I see terrible spelling or a story that’s all one single paragraph. I guess if you’re hopeful about the concept, you can offer to help the author. But in my experience, they just get mad and claim it’s their ‘style’, so I never bother. I think most of them are young kids who will get better as they grow up. People who don’t have English as a first language, or have learning disabilities are generally a lot more receptive to advice.” 

“So are we gonna bang or what?” asks OP, who clearly stopped listening a while ago. His robot dick is just gleaming away in the sun. At some point, a seagull landed on it and is now preening its feathers. 

“No!” you yell. “Put that thing away! Why would a robot even have a penis? That’s just stupid!”

"Don't tell me what to do!" OP yells back. "I'm having fun!" Then he does the helicopter dick thing, which kicks off a tsunami and wipes out all civilization as we know it. 

The universe is greatly improved by the loss.


End file.
